Six Month passage

As hard as it is to believe, it's been six months. Six months since my mama passed away from stage four skin cancer. Six months since I lost the only life I knew in Milton Florida and moved across country. Six months.... January to June.

It has been a year since my mama was first diagnosed with a tumor. Nobody spoke of it. Mama Caudle was great at keeping secrets. She never once told me of the pain she was experiencing. I thought during spring break last year that she limped some when we walked the fort grounds at Fort Pickens. Never once did I know that she had a tumor growing on her leg. I can't believe that it's been a year. A full year. Six months. To the casual observor it seems just numbers.

71 years old. Born in 1941. 6 months. 12 months.... a full year cycle. Numbers. Numbers cycle around and around in my thoughts. I sit and think back... think back to the beginning. Her smile had been different. I can't imagine the agony she was in. How cruel I was at times. Whining about wanting to go out with friends... what a foolish child I had been. Oh Mama. I'm so sorry. Empty words now. My heart aches with the regret and anguish I gave you. I am so so so super sorry that I wasn't the best daughter.....

I drove to the house this week. My heart aches at the lawn. Such anger. Such hatred... vines, thorns, weeds. It had the feel of nature was rebelling because Mama Caudle wasn't there to tame it back. Back in January there was a bonfire... I found the ashes of a novel which had been laid out with 9 roses. "As I lay dying". The irony is a cruel twist of a dagger through my heart. Partially burned, partially turned to ash.. and yet a few pages remained untouched. Despite the ragged torturous appearance of the lawn there were blue hydrangas blooming. I picked one and set it down next to the burnt novel. Poetic perhaps? I honestly couldn't tell you why I did it.

6 months passage.

Partially burnt. Partially turned to ash. And yet life blossoms. Despite the thorns that pierce our way in life's paths, push aside the vines of temptation that trip us up as we walk, there is life blooming. A flower in its purest form of life... blooming.